A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with twodrops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.
'The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.

You may remember ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? I sure do! Not one single swear word in their comedy .
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"  The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip.  I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.  If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?  "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.  The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.  That was only for the estimate.  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused.  When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.  When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live.  The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."  Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient:  "I AM 60!"   Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.  The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."   Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge.  The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."  The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." 
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" 
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

 

One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply
 into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed,
    "There are no fish down there."

Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on.
 He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it.
 Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed,
    "There's no fish down there."

A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue.
 He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole,
peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish.
 Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever,
    "There's no fish down there!!!"

The fisherman, quite frightened at this point,
 looked up into the sky and asked,
    "God!? Is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager."

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She  jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, & knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, & she says
"Hi, my name is Heather &  you're losing some of your load."
 The trucker ignores her & proceeds down the street.
 
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up & knocks on  the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken,  the blonde says brightly,
 "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're losing  some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again &  continues
down the street.
 
At the third red light, the same thing  happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
 The trucker rolls down the window.
 Again she says  "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're losing some of your load!"
When  the light turns green, the trucker revs up & races to the next light.
 When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, & runs  back to the blonde.
 He knocks on her window, & after she lowers it, he  says..........................................
 
 "Hi, my name is Bryan. It's winter in Missouri & I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

You might be a redneck if ~

You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday, and you like it.

Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.

When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.

You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.

You *have* a clawfoot bathtub.

You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
Second ~

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way

and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,

think of Algebra.
Fifth ~

You know you're getting old when everything

either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.